Starting Over

It didn't feel right to blog here about my new adoption journey, so we're starting over in many ways.  You can find us over at Finding Josephine.

Closed

I have good news and bad news.  The bad news remains the same -- Russia is clearly not going to open to US adoptions anytime in the next few years.  I have come to terms with this, most of the time, and just pray that Tanya finds peace in her home country.

The good news is that the mission group again returned to Tanya's orphanage and discovered that she has been placed in a foster home. I knew something was awry when her databank listing disappeared and feared the worst while hoping for the best.  The wonderful women from the mission group were able to speak to the director to find out what had happened to Tanya.  This is not ideal, of course.  She is not living with a family, a real part of a family, but she is out of the institution and hopefully in a good place.

We move on here in this house, and the adoption agency is starting to call me with new referrals from different countries.  I know Tanya will not come home, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a new child just yet.  The advantage is that if I start a new process by next April, I can use many of the fees that have already been paid for a different child.  If I begin a new journey, I'll be sure to share with everyone.  Thank you all for your support - please keep Tanya in your prayers.  She'll need all the support she can get.

"He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:15-16

Being a Mother

I've seen the many blog posts, poems, and articles about the need for sensitivity on Mother's Day.  Yes, it is a wonderful day to celebrate our mothers, grandmothers, and the other mothers in our lives.  But yes, it is also a difficult day for those of us who do not have our children with us for whatever reason.

Last year, this day was really hard.  The adoption ban had been in effect just long enough for us to start losing hope, and there I sat, a childless mother.  My church did a fantastic job of being sensitive to these things, but I was still sitting there alone - and Tania was still in St. Petersburg.

I was not the only childless mother I knew at that point.  My sister was going through a pregnancy loss, and I'd seen my other sister deal with the death of her child.  Mother's Day is not all flowers and cards, folks.  For some of us, it's just painful.

But this year, I'm choosing to celebrate my motherhood.  Even with the incredible distance between me and Tania and the relative lack of hope, I choose to celebrate all she has done for me.  She made me a mom.  Could I ask for more than that?  I wasn't sure I'd ever be a mother -- time had caught up with me and the cards just hadn't played in my favor.  But then there she was -- a child so clearly born to be my daughter that no one could possibly deny it.  She has taught me patience, perseverance, faith, and hope.  Without her -- well, I cannot imagine a life without her, even though she is thousands of miles away.

I know there will be no hand print crafts or indecipherable cards, but I still choose to celebrate.  My daughter has changed my life, and for that I will rejoice.

Prayer

I will admit something here that I've barely admitted to myself.  I had given up on getting Tanya home.  I hadn't really told myself this and had generally avoided the topic.  I'm sleeping downstairs on my futon (yes partly because it costs a fortune to heat my second floor) to avoid the second floor of my house - where Tanya's room sits ready.  My niece and nephews slept in my newly bedroomized basement this past Christmas partly so that no one would be in Tanya's room.  Even when I had to go upstairs, her door stayed shut and I looked the other way.  I'm pretty good at avoiding problems.... clearly.

And then a simple request changed things.  My parents asked to borrow a space heater.  The only space heater in my house is the one I bought two years ago when I still worked at Sears (got a great deal...) for Tanya's room because my upstairs doesn't get very warm.  It was still new in the box in the corner of her room.  So I had to go upstairs.  I had to open her door, looking at her adorable name pillow as I turned the doorknob.  Her clothes peeked out from the closet, her books just sat on her nightstand, and her little elephant and blanket that were supposed to be her airplane comforts rested on her dresser.  I tried not to linger, but I couldn't help it.  As much as the hole in my stomach was growing, I could not help but to touch her jumpers and pick up her little shoes.  I fixed the blankets on her bed and put away a few pieces of clothing that were still sitting on top of her dresser.  And then I cried.  I cried so much I couldn't breathe.  But I had places to be, so I picked up the heater, put it in the car, and headed to the parent's house.  The entire drive was a fight to not completely lose it.  "Get it together," I kept saying to myself, and then I'd break again.  By the time I walked up to the door, I'd gathered myself.  When asked about the box, I simply replied that yes, the heater was new.  And then a beautiful niece and nephew arrived with cries of, "Aunt Jennie!" and a joy that was great enough to push my shadows to the side.

Realizing that I'd given up was a terrible awakening for me.  Luckily, I've had two amazing kids to keep me distracted this weekend.  And then I went to church this morning.  Blessed thing, my church is.  Prayer was the topic of the sermon, and as my pastor talked about his amazing answer to his recent prayer, a little piece of hope and God and prayer and miracles started to form in my mind.  That even though things are so very bleak (read any of the news about Russia lately?), that does not stop the possibility of a miracle.  We need a miracle at this point, I know.  A miracle is the only thing that could bring Tanya home.  And I know that not everyone gets their miracles - I've prayed for them before and seen God answer, "No."  But that doesn't mean I should stop praying - that we should stop praying for a miracle.  As we took an extended time to pray this morning, different miracle scenarios started to play in my head.  So if it is God's will (the tricky part), I believe that a miracle can happen.  We should all believe that a miracle can happen.

Here's where I ask for your help, once again.  I know a lot of you read and support me here, but we're a community of lurkers.... So I ask for you to pray for a miracle with me.  Would you do that?  If you're willing to join with me in praying for the miracle of getting Tanya home somehow, please comment below.  I still hope to share this blog with her someday, and I'd love to show her all the people who helped to get her miracle.  Please join me in praying that somehow God will bring Tanya home.

Matthew 7:7  "Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

Matthew 21:22  "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

Her 7th

Today is Tanya's birthday, one I'd never imagined she'd have in a Russian orphanage.  I don't have anything left to say about how hard it is to live without her or how difficult it is to have the days, months, and now years tick by with no progress - or any hope of progress.

So happy birthday, sweet sweet girl.  We will continue loving and missing you.  We will continue praying for you.  And we will never stop fighting for you.

Carrying the Weight

I know I haven't been on here, but it's really because nothing new has happened.  The Russians have been clear - they have a law that makes US adoptions illegal, and they have no intentions of making exceptions or changing the law.  We continue to pray for changes in hearts and minds.

Given this, I have struggled with how to cope with having no timeline, almost no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel.  What I'm trying to say is that this has been hard.  Really really hard.

When people ask me if I have children, how do I answer?

I feel such a constant sense of guilt that it is hard to bear at times.  I should have pushed my home study agency to finish things more quickly.  I should have pushed my adoption agency to give me more information about requirements sooner.  I should have started the whole process as soon as I saw her picture.  I should have...

Sometimes I can't breathe.  I can't sleep.  I can't think.  I can't be.  I don't know how to do this.

Her room sits empty.  Clothes hang in her closet, an adorable name pillow hangs from her doorknob.  But I cannot go in.  I find myself ignoring the very existence of the space.  As if somehow then this giant gaping hole just won't exist.  It won't be.

And there she sits.  Destined for who knows what if they don't change the law.  The hard fact is that she is sick and may not be getting any treatment.  Her disease is one that can be managed quite well with the right medications, but without treatment, she will die.  She might die before I ever have the chance to get her home.  It sounds extreme, but it is true.  I can't save my own daughter.  I can't even let her know that she has a family who loves her and is waiting for her.

And this last part is selfish, and I'm angry at myself for feeling it.  But I thought I finally had a purpose, I'd finally have a reason to be.  I feel like as I lose her, I lose myself.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't know who else to ask, who else to beg, who else to plead my case.  The State Department can't help, the Russians don't want to help.  Even some of the less scrupulous options aren't really options.  I've thought of moving to Russia (it takes five years to become a citizen), paying people for illegal transfers (I don't have that much money - and what kind of life is that?), other ideas... they're all dead ends.  And I feel dead.  I feel like I'm grieving for a lost child - like she's gone.  But she isn't.  There she sits, just waiting for a future that may never be.

And it's hard to just sit around and carry all that on my shoulders.  So when people ask me how she is, how it's going, I don't have an answer.  I pretend to be happy that I'm childless and carefree.  I'm just carrying it.

Silver Linings

You know how I've been lamenting not being farther in the process?  Not being one of those 'pipeline' families that the U. S. State Department is working so hard to push through?

We found out today that the Russian government is claiming that in 99 of those 200 or so cases the children have now been either returned to their birth parents, adopted by a Russian family, or placed with family members.  Now I would normally take all of this with a very large grain of salt, but it has been corroborated by locals in Russia and local newspapers there that certain children have recently been adopted (most certainly related to the fact that Russia just raised their adoption aid by seven times).  While I am so happy that these children have families, I do worry that families may have taken them in for the money and not to care for them as their own.  And there is also that extra stab that the country pushed their adoptions to ensure that the American families who loved them would not have a chance to adopt them.  Because yes, somehow I would be happy if Tanya found a good family all the way in Russia, but I just don't believe that is what is happening the majority of the time.

The other positive part of Russia pushing adoptions again is that they have updated their orphan databank, and we get a new picture of my baby.  She is growing so fast, and looks anything but happy in this picture, but I'll take it.  So here she is, bangs all grown out, hair a little lighter, looking so very grown up.

Don't get me wrong.  Things are bleak, and that is putting it lightly.  The Russians are standing solid on the fact that they will not make any effort to put though any American adoptions.  The law is the law, they said, and they will not try to break the law.  They do not want to break the law.  Or change the law.  For now, things will not change.

And so I'll choose to be hopeful and happy for what I can get.  Hopeful that after some time (yes, it will be quite some time) and much negotiating, my Tanya will come home.  And in the meantime, we'll keep looking for those silver linings.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12  

Missing Her

How do you miss someone you've never met?

How do you love someone so much it feels like your heart will come right out of your chest, even if you've never been on the same continent?

How do you figure out how to keep living life in this holding pattern?

I miss my baby.  I miss my little girl.  I miss her so much I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.  And it comes up suddenly sometimes - just walking past the Easter decorations and remembering that you planned on dying eggs with her.  Sometimes it comes slowly, like a dark smoke invading every part of my soul, grabbing onto every hope and good feeling and spiraling me into a weekend where I never get out of bed.  I dream about her.  All the time.  They're almost always anxiety-riddled dreams where I lose her hand or run through a tunnel and can't catch up to her.  I hug and cry with a little girl until I push her scarf back to find it's not her.  It's not my baby.  I still can't find her.  Every now and then I get to have a good dream.  A dream where she's home and playing and swimming and laughing and loving her family.  I wake up and expect to hear her calling for me, wanting pancakes or waffles with her grandpa.  And then I remember, and it all comes rushing back.  And my heart hurts.  All the time.  And I cry - a lot.  For those of you who know me, I'm not generally a cryer.  But I don't know what else to do.  I can't fight an entire government.  I can't make people change their minds or care more about children than politics.  I can't change the facts.  I don't know what else to do at this point.  And time keeps on ticking.  Time we don't have.  Adoption paperwork and approvals are only good for so long.  Fees paid are only valid for so long.  Although I'd gladly pay it all again ten times over if I could only have her home.  Here, with me.  Where she belongs.

I have to find a new job, so this complicates things even more.  Can I move?  Only temporarily.  You see, my home study and adoption are all approved for my current address.  And my family is here - I don't want to live anywhere else with her.  So moving feels like giving up.  And I'm not giving up.  Ever.

So I'll just keep existing and missing her.  I don't know what else to do.


Some facts for those of you who have asked:
Around 46 families have had their court date and were only waiting to pick up their children.
Around 219 families had official referrals, many of whom had already visited their children.
It is unknown how many families are in my unique circumstance, but we did hear from one on a conference call.

On turning 6

This day is not what I expected it to be, but I suppose few are.  A few short months ago, I thought I would have met you by now, would have been able to tell you our story, hug you, hold you.  Instead, here we are, separated by what sometimes seems like an eternal abyss.  The government of your country has taken a hard stand and will most likely not change anything for quite some time.  You will remain in your institution for the foreseeable future, no idea that there is an entire family here just waiting to love you and take care of you.  We pray for you to feel our love, to feel God's love every day.  We hope that you have not lost hope to find your forever family.  We are here.  We are waiting.  We are fighting.  We love you more than you could imagine.

And so you are having another birthday in your orphan home.  Once again, I wonder if anyone is celebrating with you, if you even know it's your birthday.  I want you here to give you your presents, let you pick out your birthday dinner, choose your cake, and blow out your candles.  I want you here to tell you how special you are.  I want you here to tell you how much I love you, to tell you about your family, to make you a part of our family, your forever family.  I just want you here.

But instead, I will wait.  Like many others, we just wait.  We sit on conference calls with the State Department that become increasingly pessimistic.   We follow press conferences in a nation on the other side of the world.  We listen for talk of amendments to this bill, and feel our hearts drop every time they are not passed.  We wait for this cloud to pass and pray that it will pass.  We wait and we pray.

So until I can finally see you again, I will wish you a happy 6th birthday from here.  Where your room sits waiting and ready, where we all pray every day for you and those around you.  I love you, kiddo.  Even from afar.

What can you do?

This is one concrete thing you can do to help us get Tanya home.  So if you're so moved, please contact your representatives.

Members of Congress have a short window of opportunity to sign on to two letters regarding Russia’s recent decision to ban adoptions to the United States. The first letter is to President Vladimir Putin of Russia and the second is to President Obama. Both letters appeal to each leader to recognize the basic human rights of these children and all children in Russia to a family and to work to resolve both the pending cases of children who were in the adoption process prior to the January 1, 2013 ban. 

Senator Roy Blunt and Congressional Coalition on Adoption Co-Chairs Senator Landrieu, Senator Inhofe, Representative Bachmann and Representative Karen Bass are currently circulating these letters for signature by their colleagues, with a deadline to sign on to these letters of tomorrow, Wednesday, January 16 at 12pm EST. Please contact your Senators and Representative today and urge them to sign on to these letters and lend their support to Russia’s children. Offices interested in signing on should contact Libby Whitbeck in Senator Landrieu’s office or Kristina Weger in Senator Blunt’s office.

- You can find your Senators’ phone numbers and email address at www.senate.gov

- You can find your Representatives’ phone numbers and email address at www.house.gov

Please distribute this information widely to your friend and family, requesting they also contact their Members of Congress prior to Wednesday, January 16 at 12pm EST

Our Thanks to Senator Roy Blunt and Congressional Coalition on Adoption Co-Chairs Senator Landrieu, Senator Inhofe, Representative Bachmann and Representative Karen Bass and the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute for their continued leadership on this issue.

A Whole New Year

As most of you know, Putin signed the legislation that bans US adoptions in Russia late December, and this ban went into effect on January1st of this year.  Happy New Year 2013, I suppose.

Yes, this is terrible news for Tanya, and this is terrible news for me and my family.  But let me make a few things clear.

In this family, we do not give up on each other, and we have not and will not give up on bringing Tanya home.  So for those of you offering condolences, I appreciate it, but she is not gone.  This is a significant setback, to say the least, but we will bring Tanya home.  We don't know how or when, but it will happen.  My mother is convinced it will happen this year - she's downright optimistic!

Things are bleak, yes.  But there are glimmers of hope that may break open in the coming year.  We all recognize that this is political, and politics are constantly changing.  There may be an amendment that allows for the adoption of special needs children.  There may be accommodations for adoptions in progress.  The ban may be overturned by the Russian courts (the bilateral agreement that went into effect in November 2012 called for 12 months notice before stopping adoptions).  God may work in some other mysterious way.  Or it may not happen this year.  I do not know.  All I know is that it is my job, as Tanya's mom, to fight for her until there is no more fight left.  And we are not there.  Not even close.

Psalm 62

5Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

6He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7My salvation and my honor depend on God^a;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.       Selah

Never a Dull Moment

As many of you may have heard, Russia is once again in a crisis moment around the issue of US adoptions.  It is a difficult thing to completely explain, but it really boils down to some basic facts about how Russia (and most Russians) feel about having their native children adoted by families outside of Russia.  I know many people who think that Russia should be glad to have qualified and vetted people willing to take their orphans out of their orphanages.  But we should also consider the Russian point of view.  These are Russian children, and even though their parents cannot take care of them, the Russians still believe that Russia is the best place for them, in an orphange, foster home, or adopted by Russian parents.  Most Russians would rather that these Russian children stay in their homeland instead of being adopted by foreign parents.  There are other more complicated political issues at hand for the time being as well, but that general sentiment is the major basis for this latest attempt at a ban.

I understand both sides of this issue - I understand wanting to keep Russian children in Russia.  I do.  But I also want every child to have a forever home, and if that cannot happen in his or her home country, then I am all for allowing foreigners to take these children in and make them a part of a family.

So what does this mean for Tanya?  I am, very much, in the final steps of this process.  My home study is complete, my i-600 (the immigration paperwork for Tanya's visa) is finished - including my federal fingerprints (that came back in 3 weeks, not the anticipated 4-12!).  I have some paperwork to complete for my dossier, the agency needs to once again verify Tanya's status, and the referral needs to be completed.  After this, I start to travel (3 trips), go to court, and finally bring her home.  Once I start travelling, it should only take 2-4 months to actually bring her home.  Unless these measures pass the legislatures and the president does not veto them.  Then we have no idea how long this could take.

All we can do now is pray.  And this is not some small thing.  There is hope that Putin will veto anything that passes the legislatures, and up until a few hours ago, it looked like that would happen.  Given this latest news conference, it now looks as though he will support the ban on American adoptions.  Please pray with me that all this political wrangling comes to an end and things can continue moving on .... just pray.

In-Between

For a little while there, it felt like everything was moving so quickly, I could barely keep up.  It felt that way because things were moving very quickly.  And then, that time came that everyone who has adopted warned me about:  The dreaded unnecessary waiting.  Not the waiting that you were anticipating, the waiting that seems to be just for the sake of waiting, as though every adoptive parent doesn't fully appreciate their process until they've had the waiting and the waiting and maybe even a little more waiting.

The sermon this Sunday was about the Israelite's time in the desert, their time 'in-between,' as the pastor said.  He asked us to examine our own lives and our own in-betweens.  To be honest, the adoption has been so stalled, it did not occur to me until today that this is my in-between.  I have that beautiful little girl just waiting for me, and I'm here just waiting for her.  Waiting in my in-between.

My next step is to send in my I-600A with some accompanying paperwork (after getting new copies with the right name on them ...), wait for an appointment for fingerprinting, and then wait 4-8 weeks for more paperwork.  This is the home stretch, friends, and I cannot tell you how wonderful this feels.  I know that there will still be waiting, but I'm trying to be ready ...  will update more as soon as I know it.

"and when you and your children return to the Lord yourGod and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command today, then the Lord your God will restore you again from all the nations where he scattered you."  Deuteronomy 30: 2-3

Contact

I had a really good day Friday.  As some of you already know, a smaller contingent of my sister's mission trip from last year decided they wanted to go back.  To see the same kids.  So they planned a trip and headed off to Russia.  They were fairly sure that they would visit Tanya's orphanage, so my sister had been in contact with a couple of the group members, sharing all the pictures and information that we have so they could try to find Tanya.

It started with the following promise from Kim: We will bring you back pics and give her lots of lovin while we are there!!!! What a cutie pie!!!


I was hopeful, but not depending on seeing anything in particular.  It has been hard with no contact of any sort since mid-December.  Eight long months of paperwork and waiting.  Eight long months of wondering how she's doing, if she's growing, is she happy?

After being sick this past week, I was up in the middle of the night again early Friday morning and saw this from Kim:  We are heading over to #-- in a few minutes. I have my cameras ready!!!!!


I laid by my computer and prayed.  I prayed that they would recognize Tanya.  I prayed that Tanya would be there that day.  I prayed that somehow, just somehow, Tanya would feel my love through them.  And I prayed for some new pictures, words, video, anything.

Eventually I fell back asleep, but got up early for some testing.  I checked facebook and email again, but nothing.  Knowing how spotty internet reception can be, I told myself to just be patient.  So I got in the shower and proceeded to get ready for my day.

And then my phone rang.  It was my mom, telling me to get on facebook right away.  There were pictures and comments and so much fun!  I ran upstairs and hopped on the computer.  Kim had been kind enough to tag my sister in the pictures, so I could see them all.  I'll share some on here temporarily, 'cause they're just so amazing.  As I sat and looked at the pictures over and over again, with my mom still on the phone, I just broke down.  There was my little girl.  So close, and yet so far away.  It was as though I could just touch her through the screen, through these amazing women who had gone so far for their mission and helped me with mine.  This entire day has been filled with more and more pictures - smiling, playing, hugging, kidding around.  What a joy it is to see Tanya happy and loved.  I couldn't ask for much more.  Except for her to be home.

Tanya right after Kim called her name

Playing ball with Kim

What a smile!

The Ellie series - what a treasure

It has been a day beyond my wildest dreams, my hopes against all hopes.  Just look at her!

This verse always reminds me of my mom - it is one of her favorites, "her verse," even.  

It fits for me today:

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Waiting . . .

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a looooong while.  This has mostly been because not much has happened with the adoption in the last month.  Here are the highlights:

1.  Home study - the home study itself is done, but there was some miscommunication between my home study agency and my adoption agency.  What this really means is that my adoption agency just got my home study from my home study agency on Sunday.  I'm not sure how long it will take, but my adoption agency will need to review the study to be sure it fully complies with Hague regulations given that Russia is a Hague country for adoptions.  Hopefully this will go quickly so I can finally get started on my dossier.

2.  The bilateral adoption agreement was ratified!  This means that things should open up in the region where Tanya lives.  So  . . . I am getting a little anxious to get going on my dossier so that I can get my referral and start traveling!

3.  My job - well, my school district has officially been taken over by a charter school.  I have been offered a position at the charter school, but it is not yet clear what that position will be or what the salary/benefits package will look like.  I am hoping to find something that suits my strengths and will support my new family.  I have also made the decision to quit my part-time job.  As much as I have enjoyed meeting new people, I knew that I would have to quite with a new job in the Fall.  Some things have happened there that made the workplace more than a little hostile, so it's just time to go.

I did want to let you all know that I am working on setting up a profile on a wonderful website where donations can be made to my adoption through a 501c3 (where donations would be tax-deductible).  I understand why people prefer to make donations in this way!  This is not possible until my home study has been fully accepted by my adoption agency, so I'll keep you all updated.

Overall, I still trust that God has a plan for all of this.  I have to trust that my new job will let me take all the time off that I will need.  I have to trust that my finances will support the continuation of this journey.  I have to trust that God will help me get my little girl home.  Thank you all for your prayers and support - they are all appreciated more than I can ever express.

Jen

Hanging On

I know I've been quiet on here as of late.  I've been a bit quiet in general.  Life has been taking many turns - some good and some bad - and I'm just trying to hang on.  I'll try to break it down here.

Work:
My school system has been going through a lot of changes.  As I said earlier, we knew big things were coming due to severe budget problems.  This has taken us all through quite the roller coaster.  First we were all given lay off notices with the promise that the better, qualified teachers would get a call back before the end of the school year.  I, along with many others, did not really worry about the future.  And we went through the next couple of weeks just floating along.  Last Friday, we were given a letter to hand out to the kids, and I read it quickly before I went to pass it along.  I was shocked.  In this letter, the school's new state-appointed leader was announcing that he was going to change the school to a charter school - a public/private, corporation-run school.  This is a completely new school.  No pension, no good insurance (the biggest selling point for the adoption agency), no decent salary.  And this threw me.  I'll admit that I'm still thrown, but I'm also applying like crazy and hopefully interviewing soon.

Adoption:
I am happy to relate that my home study is almost complete.  It has been quite frustrating to have delay after delay with the home study due to vacations in the small office of my home study agency.  But we finally got through the visits, and now I am waiting for the formal written study.  I did find out through out this process that I will have to file some paperwork with Homeland Security that can take up to two months to come back before my dossier can be submitted.  Given the current state of adoption in Tanya's region, this is not too terrible, but we're still hoping and praying that her region will open up to adoption again.


I've heard so many pieces of advice from friends, family, and strangers over the last few weeks, some helpful and some not.  The most comforting conversations have been with those who know me well and understand how much I love my child and teaching.  These people have offered words that give me hope, words that comfort me by saying that God's timing will be right.  That maybe this is just the opportunity for me to work more and save more money while the region is closed, that the delays with the home study are not too bad because the region is closed, that maybe my current job is too stressful to keep with a child who needs my full attention - and this is just God pushing me toward something new and better.

I do trust in God's timing, as difficult as that can be.

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; 
    it speaks of the end 
    and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
    it will certainly come
    and will not delay."
Habakkuk 2:3 NIV

Like the widow

Growing up, I was virtually inundated with amazing stories from the Bible - waters parting, bringing the dead to life, food appearing, water into wine, and more.  I loved it all -- the mystery and wonder of God's power are limitless.  One story that always appealed to me was in 1 Kings 17:  10-16.


¹⁰ So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, “Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?” ¹¹ As she was going to get it, he called, “And bring me, please, a piece of bread.”  ¹² “As surely as the Lord your God lives,” she replied, “I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.”  ¹³ Elijah said to her, “Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. ¹⁴ For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land.’” ¹⁵ She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family.¹⁶ For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of  oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the Lord spoken by Elijah.

This is not just a story of God increasing a person's food.  This is God making sure that a widow - a woman who was, to a certain extent, a victim of her circumstances - could take care of herself and her child.  This is God showing that this woman should not just be a part of the rhetoric, she should be truly taken care of for as long as she needed.  This is God never giving too much, but always giving enough.  

These days, sometimes I feel just like the widow.  Not in the victim of her circumstances way - but in the somehow things are always just enough way.  I have now cried twice after visiting the bank.  The first time was when I needed to pay the $2300 in Home Study fees.  I went to the bank to deposit a check from extra work at school and had just transferred the money from the online donations.  When I asked for the balance, the teller said - $2,324.  I walked to the car, sat down, and fell apart.  Somehow, all the extra hours at work, the kindness of friends and family, and the new job had just covered what I had to send out that day.

Friday, I finally had time during the banking day to deposit the money from the benefit - and another check from extra work at school.  After it was in the account, the teller asked if I'd like the balance.  $3,964 she said, and I barely kept it together until I got in the car.  You see, I had just made that $4,000 payment to the adoption agency by credit card with faith that I could cover it by the due date somehow - knowing that I might have to borrow some money to do so.  Sometimes this working ALL THE TIME thing is starting to get to me.  I'm exhausted, my house is a mess, and I just want an hour to myself.  But then I have moments like this, I look at my pictures of Tanya, and I remember why it's all worth it.  I never thought I'd make it this far in the process without a loan.  And yet still, by the grace of God, here I am.

That's right ... just like the widow.

Virtual Benefit Concert

This powerpoint will play during the intermission - I'm happy to post it on here as well, but only for today due to the pictures (yay pictures!) included.  We all hope that those of you who could not attend today will consider donating here on the website.  The link is on the right side of the blog.  Thank you all for your support!

The powerpoint is now down, but you are all still welcome to donate online through the link to the right.

The concert today was amazing!  We had a wonderful turn out and raised over $2000.  That is just God.  I cannot possibly thank everyone involved enough, but I would like to especially thank my mom for taking this on and putting it all together - she did an amazing job.  I would also like to thank all the women of Sweet Harmony - my sisters.  You are wonderful people .... just wonderful.

Would you like the good news or the bad news first?

I officially hate it when people ask that question.  As though there is some relief in getting bad news because there is some good news to go with it.  But people say it all the time ... and here I am, asking you!  I'll just make the decision and give you the good news first - because why should good news wait?

Good:  My final home study application has been approved, so now we just have a couple of home visits and then we put together my dossier and wait for the official referral.  This has been a lot of paperwork, time, doctor visits, and even one psychologist evaluation, but so so worth it.  I cannot thank you all enough for your support through this all. 

Bad:  After my dossier is finished, nothing else can happen.  At least not for now.  I have received official word that all adoptions are completely frozen in the region where Tanya lives until the bilateral agreement is signed.  This is something that the US signed last July, but Russia has yet to ratify.  What this means is that instead of submitting my dossier, we will have to wait to move in the process until this is done.  I'll be honest and tell you that when I first got this news, I just thought that everything would be okay - the timing would work and everything would just fall into place (denial).  Then I moved to the crying phase, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this.  And then I came back to God - where I should have started in the first place.  The only thing that we can do for now is pray.  We can pray that hearts will be softened.  We can pray that processes will move along.  We can pray for ratification - soon.  God has the power to move mountains, so this is peanuts, right?

We'll be continuing to work the process as far as we can here, and we only ask that you join us in praying for a swift solution to this road block.

Don't forget the benefit concert is coming up soon!  Sunday, April 22, 3:00pm at First Presbyterian Church in Muskegon on the corner of Sherman and Wickham.  Hope to see a lot of you there!

Home Studying

So much has been happening over the past couple of weeks that I don't even know where to begin.  After finding out I was a bit behind in the home study process, I was able to quickly put together all the application materials (very similar to Application Part 2 for the adoption agency).  The home study agency emailed me today to let me know they have received everything and should have me in touch with my social worker by Monday.  After that, we meet a couple of times, and the home study is complete.  Whew!  Of course, it is not that simple, and I've been working hard to get things ready around the house - pulling up old carpet, painting, putting down play room flooring (super cute!), having carpets cleaned, getting a fence put up, having a new railing put in (Thanks, Jeff!!!), and working on some other minor home improvement items that should have been addressed long ago.  I have moments where I can't keep it all straight.

Here are the current prayer requests:


Please pray that the home study and referral processes go quickly.  We are still hoping to get Tanya home this summer with time to settle in before school starts.


This is a big one.  Because the waiting period has been extended from 10 to 30 days, we will be applying for a waiver based on medical need.  Tanya has some health concerns including an immune disorder that may make this possible.  This would mean getting her home an entire month early.  This would mean one less trip (and a lot less money).  This would mean my little girl gets 30 more days to play and be a free child before school starts in the Fall.  Please pray that the judge can see how good this would be for her.


And of course, please continue to pray for Tanya and her caregivers.  They are still on the front line of this whole story, and will still be there taking care of these kids long after Tanya gets to come home.


I cannot thank you all enough for your support - between donations of money, pictures (Thanks, Kendra!), ice cream (those cousins at Country Dairy are pretty wonderful), time on an amazing benefit concert (all those sweet, sweet ladies), and prayers, we are a little overwhelmed.

We are still collecting donations here .... and do have some upcoming deadlines.  I've sent out the home study money, but that means that I no longer have enough to cover the adoption agency fees.  Please consider coming to the benefit concert on Sunday, April 22 at 3:00 at First Presbyterian here in Muskegon on the corner of Sherman and Wickham.  We still appreciate any and all help - no donation is too small!

Thank you all so much.
Jen