How do you miss someone you've never met?
How do you love someone so much it feels like your heart will come right out of your chest, even if you've never been on the same continent?
How do you figure out how to keep living life in this holding pattern?
I miss my baby. I miss my little girl. I miss her so much I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. And it comes up suddenly sometimes - just walking past the Easter decorations and remembering that you planned on dying eggs with her. Sometimes it comes slowly, like a dark smoke invading every part of my soul, grabbing onto every hope and good feeling and spiraling me into a weekend where I never get out of bed. I dream about her. All the time. They're almost always anxiety-riddled dreams where I lose her hand or run through a tunnel and can't catch up to her. I hug and cry with a little girl until I push her scarf back to find it's not her. It's not my baby. I still can't find her. Every now and then I get to have a good dream. A dream where she's home and playing and swimming and laughing and loving her family. I wake up and expect to hear her calling for me, wanting pancakes or waffles with her grandpa. And then I remember, and it all comes rushing back. And my heart hurts. All the time. And I cry - a lot. For those of you who know me, I'm not generally a cryer. But I don't know what else to do. I can't fight an entire government. I can't make people change their minds or care more about children than politics. I can't change the facts. I don't know what else to do at this point. And time keeps on ticking. Time we don't have. Adoption paperwork and approvals are only good for so long. Fees paid are only valid for so long. Although I'd gladly pay it all again ten times over if I could only have her home. Here, with me. Where she belongs.
I have to find a new job, so this complicates things even more. Can I move? Only temporarily. You see, my home study and adoption are all approved for my current address. And my family is here - I don't want to live anywhere else with her. So moving feels like giving up. And I'm not giving up. Ever.
So I'll just keep existing and missing her. I don't know what else to do.
Some facts for those of you who have asked:
Around 46 families have had their court date and were only waiting to pick up their children.
Around 219 families had official referrals, many of whom had already visited their children.
It is unknown how many families are in my unique circumstance, but we did hear from one on a conference call.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
On turning 6
This day is not what I expected it to be, but I suppose few are. A few short months ago, I thought I would have met you by now, would have been able to tell you our story, hug you, hold you. Instead, here we are, separated by what sometimes seems like an eternal abyss. The government of your country has taken a hard stand and will most likely not change anything for quite some time. You will remain in your institution for the foreseeable future, no idea that there is an entire family here just waiting to love you and take care of you. We pray for you to feel our love, to feel God's love every day. We hope that you have not lost hope to find your forever family. We are here. We are waiting. We are fighting. We love you more than you could imagine.
And so you are having another birthday in your orphan home. Once again, I wonder if anyone is celebrating with you, if you even know it's your birthday. I want you here to give you your presents, let you pick out your birthday dinner, choose your cake, and blow out your candles. I want you here to tell you how special you are. I want you here to tell you how much I love you, to tell you about your family, to make you a part of our family, your forever family. I just want you here.
But instead, I will wait. Like many others, we just wait. We sit on conference calls with the State Department that become increasingly pessimistic. We follow press conferences in a nation on the other side of the world. We listen for talk of amendments to this bill, and feel our hearts drop every time they are not passed. We wait for this cloud to pass and pray that it will pass. We wait and we pray.
So until I can finally see you again, I will wish you a happy 6th birthday from here. Where your room sits waiting and ready, where we all pray every day for you and those around you. I love you, kiddo. Even from afar.
And so you are having another birthday in your orphan home. Once again, I wonder if anyone is celebrating with you, if you even know it's your birthday. I want you here to give you your presents, let you pick out your birthday dinner, choose your cake, and blow out your candles. I want you here to tell you how special you are. I want you here to tell you how much I love you, to tell you about your family, to make you a part of our family, your forever family. I just want you here.
But instead, I will wait. Like many others, we just wait. We sit on conference calls with the State Department that become increasingly pessimistic. We follow press conferences in a nation on the other side of the world. We listen for talk of amendments to this bill, and feel our hearts drop every time they are not passed. We wait for this cloud to pass and pray that it will pass. We wait and we pray.
So until I can finally see you again, I will wish you a happy 6th birthday from here. Where your room sits waiting and ready, where we all pray every day for you and those around you. I love you, kiddo. Even from afar.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
What can you do?
This is one concrete thing you can do to help us get Tanya home. So if you're so moved, please contact your representatives.
Members of Congress have a short window of opportunity to sign on to two letters regarding Russia’s recent decision to ban adoptions to the United States. The first letter is to President Vladimir Putin of Russia and the second is to President Obama. Both letters appeal to each leader to recognize the basic human rights of these children and all children in Russia to a family and to work to resolve both the pending cases of children who were in the adoption process prior to the January 1, 2013 ban.
Senator Roy Blunt and Congressional Coalition on Adoption Co-Chairs Senator Landrieu, Senator Inhofe, Representative Bachmann and Representative Karen Bass are currently circulating these letters for signature by their colleagues, with a deadline to sign on to these letters of tomorrow, Wednesday, January 16 at 12pm EST. Please contact your Senators and Representative today and urge them to sign on to these letters and lend their support to Russia’s children. Offices interested in signing on should contact Libby Whitbeck in Senator Landrieu’s office or Kristina Weger in Senator Blunt’s office.
- You can find your Senators’ phone numbers and email address at www.senate.gov
- You can find your Representatives’ phone numbers and email address at www.house.gov
Please distribute this information widely to your friend and family, requesting they also contact their Members of Congress prior to Wednesday, January 16 at 12pm EST
Our Thanks to Senator Roy Blunt and Congressional Coalition on Adoption Co-Chairs Senator Landrieu, Senator Inhofe, Representative Bachmann and Representative Karen Bass and the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute for their continued leadership on this issue.
Members of Congress have a short window of opportunity to sign on to two letters regarding Russia’s recent decision to ban adoptions to the United States. The first letter is to President Vladimir Putin of Russia and the second is to President Obama. Both letters appeal to each leader to recognize the basic human rights of these children and all children in Russia to a family and to work to resolve both the pending cases of children who were in the adoption process prior to the January 1, 2013 ban.
Senator Roy Blunt and Congressional Coalition on Adoption Co-Chairs Senator Landrieu, Senator Inhofe, Representative Bachmann and Representative Karen Bass are currently circulating these letters for signature by their colleagues, with a deadline to sign on to these letters of tomorrow, Wednesday, January 16 at 12pm EST. Please contact your Senators and Representative today and urge them to sign on to these letters and lend their support to Russia’s children. Offices interested in signing on should contact Libby Whitbeck in Senator Landrieu’s office or Kristina Weger in Senator Blunt’s office.
- You can find your Senators’ phone numbers and email address at www.senate.gov
- You can find your Representatives’ phone numbers and email address at www.house.gov
Please distribute this information widely to your friend and family, requesting they also contact their Members of Congress prior to Wednesday, January 16 at 12pm EST
Our Thanks to Senator Roy Blunt and Congressional Coalition on Adoption Co-Chairs Senator Landrieu, Senator Inhofe, Representative Bachmann and Representative Karen Bass and the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute for their continued leadership on this issue.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A Whole New Year
As most of you know, Putin signed the legislation that bans US adoptions in Russia late December, and this ban went into effect on January1st of this year. Happy New Year 2013, I suppose.
Yes, this is terrible news for Tanya, and this is terrible news for me and my family. But let me make a few things clear.
In this family, we do not give up on each other, and we have not and will not give up on bringing Tanya home. So for those of you offering condolences, I appreciate it, but she is not gone. This is a significant setback, to say the least, but we will bring Tanya home. We don't know how or when, but it will happen. My mother is convinced it will happen this year - she's downright optimistic!
Things are bleak, yes. But there are glimmers of hope that may break open in the coming year. We all recognize that this is political, and politics are constantly changing. There may be an amendment that allows for the adoption of special needs children. There may be accommodations for adoptions in progress. The ban may be overturned by the Russian courts (the bilateral agreement that went into effect in November 2012 called for 12 months notice before stopping adoptions). God may work in some other mysterious way. Or it may not happen this year. I do not know. All I know is that it is my job, as Tanya's mom, to fight for her until there is no more fight left. And we are not there. Not even close.
Yes, this is terrible news for Tanya, and this is terrible news for me and my family. But let me make a few things clear.
In this family, we do not give up on each other, and we have not and will not give up on bringing Tanya home. So for those of you offering condolences, I appreciate it, but she is not gone. This is a significant setback, to say the least, but we will bring Tanya home. We don't know how or when, but it will happen. My mother is convinced it will happen this year - she's downright optimistic!
Things are bleak, yes. But there are glimmers of hope that may break open in the coming year. We all recognize that this is political, and politics are constantly changing. There may be an amendment that allows for the adoption of special needs children. There may be accommodations for adoptions in progress. The ban may be overturned by the Russian courts (the bilateral agreement that went into effect in November 2012 called for 12 months notice before stopping adoptions). God may work in some other mysterious way. Or it may not happen this year. I do not know. All I know is that it is my job, as Tanya's mom, to fight for her until there is no more fight left. And we are not there. Not even close.
Psalm 62
5Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge. Selah
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Never a Dull Moment
As many of you may have heard, Russia is once again in a crisis moment around the issue of US adoptions. It is a difficult thing to completely explain, but it really boils down to some basic facts about how Russia (and most Russians) feel about having their native children adoted by families outside of Russia. I know many people who think that Russia should be glad to have qualified and vetted people willing to take their orphans out of their orphanages. But we should also consider the Russian point of view. These are Russian children, and even though their parents cannot take care of them, the Russians still believe that Russia is the best place for them, in an orphange, foster home, or adopted by Russian parents. Most Russians would rather that these Russian children stay in their homeland instead of being adopted by foreign parents. There are other more complicated political issues at hand for the time being as well, but that general sentiment is the major basis for this latest attempt at a ban.
I understand both sides of this issue - I understand wanting to keep Russian children in Russia. I do. But I also want every child to have a forever home, and if that cannot happen in his or her home country, then I am all for allowing foreigners to take these children in and make them a part of a family.
So what does this mean for Tanya? I am, very much, in the final steps of this process. My home study is complete, my i-600 (the immigration paperwork for Tanya's visa) is finished - including my federal fingerprints (that came back in 3 weeks, not the anticipated 4-12!). I have some paperwork to complete for my dossier, the agency needs to once again verify Tanya's status, and the referral needs to be completed. After this, I start to travel (3 trips), go to court, and finally bring her home. Once I start travelling, it should only take 2-4 months to actually bring her home. Unless these measures pass the legislatures and the president does not veto them. Then we have no idea how long this could take.
All we can do now is pray. And this is not some small thing. There is hope that Putin will veto anything that passes the legislatures, and up until a few hours ago, it looked like that would happen. Given this latest news conference, it now looks as though he will support the ban on American adoptions. Please pray with me that all this political wrangling comes to an end and things can continue moving on .... just pray.
I understand both sides of this issue - I understand wanting to keep Russian children in Russia. I do. But I also want every child to have a forever home, and if that cannot happen in his or her home country, then I am all for allowing foreigners to take these children in and make them a part of a family.
So what does this mean for Tanya? I am, very much, in the final steps of this process. My home study is complete, my i-600 (the immigration paperwork for Tanya's visa) is finished - including my federal fingerprints (that came back in 3 weeks, not the anticipated 4-12!). I have some paperwork to complete for my dossier, the agency needs to once again verify Tanya's status, and the referral needs to be completed. After this, I start to travel (3 trips), go to court, and finally bring her home. Once I start travelling, it should only take 2-4 months to actually bring her home. Unless these measures pass the legislatures and the president does not veto them. Then we have no idea how long this could take.
All we can do now is pray. And this is not some small thing. There is hope that Putin will veto anything that passes the legislatures, and up until a few hours ago, it looked like that would happen. Given this latest news conference, it now looks as though he will support the ban on American adoptions. Please pray with me that all this political wrangling comes to an end and things can continue moving on .... just pray.
Monday, October 22, 2012
In-Between
For a little while there, it felt like everything was moving so quickly, I could barely keep up. It felt that way because things were moving very quickly. And then, that time came that everyone who has adopted warned me about: The dreaded unnecessary waiting. Not the waiting that you were anticipating, the waiting that seems to be just for the sake of waiting, as though every adoptive parent doesn't fully appreciate their process until they've had the waiting and the waiting and maybe even a little more waiting.
The sermon this Sunday was about the Israelite's time in the desert, their time 'in-between,' as the pastor said. He asked us to examine our own lives and our own in-betweens. To be honest, the adoption has been so stalled, it did not occur to me until today that this is my in-between. I have that beautiful little girl just waiting for me, and I'm here just waiting for her. Waiting in my in-between.
My next step is to send in my I-600A with some accompanying paperwork (after getting new copies with the right name on them ...), wait for an appointment for fingerprinting, and then wait 4-8 weeks for more paperwork. This is the home stretch, friends, and I cannot tell you how wonderful this feels. I know that there will still be waiting, but I'm trying to be ready ... will update more as soon as I know it.
"and when you and your children return to the Lord yourGod and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command today, then the Lord your God will restore you again from all the nations where he scattered you." Deuteronomy 30: 2-3
The sermon this Sunday was about the Israelite's time in the desert, their time 'in-between,' as the pastor said. He asked us to examine our own lives and our own in-betweens. To be honest, the adoption has been so stalled, it did not occur to me until today that this is my in-between. I have that beautiful little girl just waiting for me, and I'm here just waiting for her. Waiting in my in-between.
My next step is to send in my I-600A with some accompanying paperwork (after getting new copies with the right name on them ...), wait for an appointment for fingerprinting, and then wait 4-8 weeks for more paperwork. This is the home stretch, friends, and I cannot tell you how wonderful this feels. I know that there will still be waiting, but I'm trying to be ready ... will update more as soon as I know it.
"and when you and your children return to the Lord yourGod and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command today, then the Lord your God will restore you again from all the nations where he scattered you." Deuteronomy 30: 2-3
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Contact
I had a really good day Friday. As some of you already know, a smaller contingent of my sister's mission trip from last year decided they wanted to go back. To see the same kids. So they planned a trip and headed off to Russia. They were fairly sure that they would visit Tanya's orphanage, so my sister had been in contact with a couple of the group members, sharing all the pictures and information that we have so they could try to find Tanya.
It started with the following promise from Kim: We will bring you back pics and give her lots of lovin while we are there!!!! What a cutie pie!!!
I was hopeful, but not depending on seeing anything in particular. It has been hard with no contact of any sort since mid-December. Eight long months of paperwork and waiting. Eight long months of wondering how she's doing, if she's growing, is she happy?
After being sick this past week, I was up in the middle of the night again early Friday morning and saw this from Kim: We are heading over to #-- in a few minutes. I have my cameras ready!!!!!
I laid by my computer and prayed. I prayed that they would recognize Tanya. I prayed that Tanya would be there that day. I prayed that somehow, just somehow, Tanya would feel my love through them. And I prayed for some new pictures, words, video, anything.
Eventually I fell back asleep, but got up early for some testing. I checked facebook and email again, but nothing. Knowing how spotty internet reception can be, I told myself to just be patient. So I got in the shower and proceeded to get ready for my day.
And then my phone rang. It was my mom, telling me to get on facebook right away. There were pictures and comments and so much fun! I ran upstairs and hopped on the computer. Kim had been kind enough to tag my sister in the pictures, so I could see them all. I'll share some on here temporarily, 'cause they're just so amazing. As I sat and looked at the pictures over and over again, with my mom still on the phone, I just broke down. There was my little girl. So close, and yet so far away. It was as though I could just touch her through the screen, through these amazing women who had gone so far for their mission and helped me with mine. This entire day has been filled with more and more pictures - smiling, playing, hugging, kidding around. What a joy it is to see Tanya happy and loved. I couldn't ask for much more. Except for her to be home.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
It started with the following promise from Kim: We will bring you back pics and give her lots of lovin while we are there!!!! What a cutie pie!!!
I was hopeful, but not depending on seeing anything in particular. It has been hard with no contact of any sort since mid-December. Eight long months of paperwork and waiting. Eight long months of wondering how she's doing, if she's growing, is she happy?
After being sick this past week, I was up in the middle of the night again early Friday morning and saw this from Kim: We are heading over to #-- in a few minutes. I have my cameras ready!!!!!
I laid by my computer and prayed. I prayed that they would recognize Tanya. I prayed that Tanya would be there that day. I prayed that somehow, just somehow, Tanya would feel my love through them. And I prayed for some new pictures, words, video, anything.
Eventually I fell back asleep, but got up early for some testing. I checked facebook and email again, but nothing. Knowing how spotty internet reception can be, I told myself to just be patient. So I got in the shower and proceeded to get ready for my day.
And then my phone rang. It was my mom, telling me to get on facebook right away. There were pictures and comments and so much fun! I ran upstairs and hopped on the computer. Kim had been kind enough to tag my sister in the pictures, so I could see them all. I'll share some on here temporarily, 'cause they're just so amazing. As I sat and looked at the pictures over and over again, with my mom still on the phone, I just broke down. There was my little girl. So close, and yet so far away. It was as though I could just touch her through the screen, through these amazing women who had gone so far for their mission and helped me with mine. This entire day has been filled with more and more pictures - smiling, playing, hugging, kidding around. What a joy it is to see Tanya happy and loved. I couldn't ask for much more. Except for her to be home.
Tanya right after Kim called her name
Playing ball with Kim
What a smile!
The Ellie series - what a treasure
It has been a day beyond my wildest dreams, my hopes against all hopes. Just look at her!
This verse always reminds me of my mom - it is one of her favorites, "her verse," even.
It fits for me today:
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31
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