Sunday, March 17, 2013

Missing Her

How do you miss someone you've never met?

How do you love someone so much it feels like your heart will come right out of your chest, even if you've never been on the same continent?

How do you figure out how to keep living life in this holding pattern?

I miss my baby.  I miss my little girl.  I miss her so much I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.  And it comes up suddenly sometimes - just walking past the Easter decorations and remembering that you planned on dying eggs with her.  Sometimes it comes slowly, like a dark smoke invading every part of my soul, grabbing onto every hope and good feeling and spiraling me into a weekend where I never get out of bed.  I dream about her.  All the time.  They're almost always anxiety-riddled dreams where I lose her hand or run through a tunnel and can't catch up to her.  I hug and cry with a little girl until I push her scarf back to find it's not her.  It's not my baby.  I still can't find her.  Every now and then I get to have a good dream.  A dream where she's home and playing and swimming and laughing and loving her family.  I wake up and expect to hear her calling for me, wanting pancakes or waffles with her grandpa.  And then I remember, and it all comes rushing back.  And my heart hurts.  All the time.  And I cry - a lot.  For those of you who know me, I'm not generally a cryer.  But I don't know what else to do.  I can't fight an entire government.  I can't make people change their minds or care more about children than politics.  I can't change the facts.  I don't know what else to do at this point.  And time keeps on ticking.  Time we don't have.  Adoption paperwork and approvals are only good for so long.  Fees paid are only valid for so long.  Although I'd gladly pay it all again ten times over if I could only have her home.  Here, with me.  Where she belongs.

I have to find a new job, so this complicates things even more.  Can I move?  Only temporarily.  You see, my home study and adoption are all approved for my current address.  And my family is here - I don't want to live anywhere else with her.  So moving feels like giving up.  And I'm not giving up.  Ever.

So I'll just keep existing and missing her.  I don't know what else to do.

Some facts for those of you who have asked:
Around 46 families have had their court date and were only waiting to pick up their children.
Around 219 families had official referrals, many of whom had already visited their children.
It is unknown how many families are in my unique circumstance, but we did hear from one on a conference call.