Saturday, October 19, 2013

Carrying the Weight

I know I haven't been on here, but it's really because nothing new has happened.  The Russians have been clear - they have a law that makes US adoptions illegal, and they have no intentions of making exceptions or changing the law.  We continue to pray for changes in hearts and minds.

Given this, I have struggled with how to cope with having no timeline, almost no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel.  What I'm trying to say is that this has been hard.  Really really hard.

When people ask me if I have children, how do I answer?

I feel such a constant sense of guilt that it is hard to bear at times.  I should have pushed my home study agency to finish things more quickly.  I should have pushed my adoption agency to give me more information about requirements sooner.  I should have started the whole process as soon as I saw her picture.  I should have...

Sometimes I can't breathe.  I can't sleep.  I can't think.  I can't be.  I don't know how to do this.

Her room sits empty.  Clothes hang in her closet, an adorable name pillow hangs from her doorknob.  But I cannot go in.  I find myself ignoring the very existence of the space.  As if somehow then this giant gaping hole just won't exist.  It won't be.

And there she sits.  Destined for who knows what if they don't change the law.  The hard fact is that she is sick and may not be getting any treatment.  Her disease is one that can be managed quite well with the right medications, but without treatment, she will die.  She might die before I ever have the chance to get her home.  It sounds extreme, but it is true.  I can't save my own daughter.  I can't even let her know that she has a family who loves her and is waiting for her.

And this last part is selfish, and I'm angry at myself for feeling it.  But I thought I finally had a purpose, I'd finally have a reason to be.  I feel like as I lose her, I lose myself.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't know who else to ask, who else to beg, who else to plead my case.  The State Department can't help, the Russians don't want to help.  Even some of the less scrupulous options aren't really options.  I've thought of moving to Russia (it takes five years to become a citizen), paying people for illegal transfers (I don't have that much money - and what kind of life is that?), other ideas... they're all dead ends.  And I feel dead.  I feel like I'm grieving for a lost child - like she's gone.  But she isn't.  There she sits, just waiting for a future that may never be.

And it's hard to just sit around and carry all that on my shoulders.  So when people ask me how she is, how it's going, I don't have an answer.  I pretend to be happy that I'm childless and carefree.  I'm just carrying it.

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