Friday, February 24, 2012

Part Two

Well, it's done. The next big step in the process for me is done, and now our fate rests in others' hands. I thought I would be so excited to send in the application part 2. I thought I would feel so relieved to have it done. But something about knowing that this is so very final (and discovering that I still have negative net worth . . . stupid student loans) is more disconcerting to me than I thought it would be. What if they don't like my answers? What if my house isn't good enough, big enough, fancy enough? What if I don't make enough money? What if, what if, what if??? I will admit that after I mailed out the packet today, I got to my second job early, sat in the parking lot, and cried. I'm still not sure why I cried. I think it was a combination of relief, fear, and total exhaustion (I figured out the other day that I'm working 80 hours a week, taking 6 graduate credit hours, and still trying to find time to run). I am so afraid that something will go terribly awry at this point and I will lose her. Most of me understands that I don't really have her yet, that she isn't officially mine yet, but my heart doesn't see it that way.

So I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray. I pray that the processing will go quickly and all will be well. But mostly I pray for peace and comfort for me and for Tanya. She doesn't even know about any of this! I do know that she feels our prayers, so I will continue to pray. Only God knows the right timing for these things, and I have to let go and trust that all will happen as it should.

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